breaking old habits is hard

 Earlier this year I discovered that I needed to reroute my thinking. I did so by invoking what I dubbed "No vacancy," literally meaning there is no vacancy in my brain for intrusive thoughts regarding others' behavior or circumstances beyond my control. 

Recently I've noticed the rooms of my hotel brain filling up with unwanted guests - actually addicts - again. I call them addicts because it's like they are addicted to making me feel certain unwanted ways towards others and myself. There's the "Why can't this person behave this way?' addict. There's the "Did I leave something on at the house that might cause a fire?" addict. There's the "What if this person does something that effects me?" addict. There's the "Why didn't I do this or that?" addict.

Just now, after coming up with that list, I am realizing how bad this is for me. My own thinking makes me miserable. And I'm sure it occasionally makes me a misery around other people. Last week I had to take part of a shift for one of my staff who was sick. I walked into a situation which under the circumstances of what needed done that day was perfectly normal. Staff were not standing around, they were doing things, they were maybe not doing things as I would have instructed, but they felt accomplished and had done well under the circumstances. Unfortunately because I had otherwise spent a quiet day alone and tried not to feel frustrated that I had to work on what my job considered an extra day off for me due to the previous holiday weekend, within 20 minutes of being there I exploded because of sensory overload and exploded, "Can everyone just give me 5 minutes?" A reasonable request given the circumstances because I needed to figure out what still had to be done but probably not conveyed in the best manner. 

Anxiety is not a cop-out or an excuse. You can't blame other people for causing it. You can blame anxiety for sabotaging situations but then the aftermath needs dealt with. Like any addiction, the first step is realizing you have a problem with anxiety and try to deal with it as best you can. For some that may mean medication. I have not gone that route because my anxiety has not caused me great difficulties, I can still function and run a successful business. I guess I need to decide how miserable I have to be before I do need to go that route.