Obscure Alternatives

 I have loved music my entire life. I was told when I got older that as a baby, once I could stand, I would hold onto the side of my parents' record player and dance. They probably thought I'd become Ginger Rogers, but alas, I can't follow a routine to save my life. Nor can I play an instrument. I tried the flute when I was in grade school, but only because when the band instructor came to our school to talk to the kids who were interested in joining "band," he noticed my overbite and had me blow on a flute. I would have rather played the drums. I spent 2 arduous years in "band," from 5th to 7th grade. I got first chair flute for a while, but only because I'd practiced the piece and was the only one who could play it without a mistake. Otherwise I probably was a C level student in band. I had little interest in learning to play well and really only tried so as not to get kicked out. The whole point of "band" back in the '70s seemed to be to perform in parades and sport games, outside, no matter the weather. I'm not sure which was worse, chilly fall nights on the football field where you could see everyone's breath or marching in 80 percent humidity. I think I only lasted 2 years because I didn't want to disappoint my parents since they spent hard to come by money on an instrument. 

But I still love music. The same year I quit band I discovered Top 40 radio and Casey Kasem's American Top 40. I can count backwards very easily now thanks to that program. For about 3 years I wrote down the songs every week. I also rated them because even at that young age I knew music I liked and music I didn't like, without thought to style or who the artists were. As the '80s approached my interest in electronic music or new wave developed. It started simply because luckily some new wave made it onto the charts in 1979 - Blondie, the Cars and Gary Numan specifically. I also stayed up late to watch the late night weekend shows like Fridays, Saturday Night Live and the Midnight Special. I remember seeing the B-52s perform Rock Lobster on SNL in early 1980. I'd never seen anything like them. We watched lots of variety shows in the '70s and they were tame compared to the bands and performers I saw on those shows. I was delighted.

It wasn't until 1982 that I discovered college radio. I've never looked back. I quickly realized the radio I'd been listening to, Top 40, paled in comparison to what was being produced and had been produced in the UK for the past 5 or 6 years. Sure, by 1982 we had had songs by bands like Human League, Haircut 100, Soft Cell, so it wasn't a complete draught of UK new wave music, but the variety was so much broader than I ever could have imagined had I not found a college radio program called Pipeline out of St. Louis University. I wrote those songs down too and discovered life long favorites in the bands played on the program long before some of them became near household names in the US. I still consider bands like Depeche Mode and the Cure "alternative," although both of them now sell out stadiums around the world. 

To be continued.


 

 Have to go back to work tomorrow.

Today is my last opportunity to do ALL the things I didn't do over the previous week. The sun is out, it's going to be hot (which I love) and I just made an omelet in my new ceramic fry pan. 

I'm not beating myself up for not doing more - NO VACANCY, dammit. I didn't spend a lot of money, and what I did buy I needed, the pan, new pants, some socks, gifts for my friend. Last vacation in July I spent a fair bit of money between concerts and hotels plus I had the whole there's-something-wrong-with-my-boob-and-I-need-to-get-to-the-doctor thing going on in my head, so I wasn't as present for the experiences as I could have been. 

I actually miss the structure of going to work every week. This morning it's already 9:30 and I'm just now eating breakfast. I have already started a load of laundry though, so that's something. Last night I cleaned the cat box area, to help me get started this morning on cleaning the room as a whole. 

That was this morning. Now it's going on 3:30, I have 4% battery life left after watching Falling Skies while I cleaned. Have all 3 rooms done and only have to put back the furniture, LOL. Have to wait till the carpet dries, but since the air is on hopefully that will be before I need to go to bed. 

 Since yesterday was a bust, I needed some retail therapy. 

No not really. I just needed to buy shit. 

I had to stop at the vet clinic and pick up a refill of Murrlin's blood pressure meds. I learned that Maria, the receptionist I love, is moving out of state because her husband got a new job. Bummer. She's always such a cheery person, as evidenced when she said she's looking forward to the move, which is closer to St. Louis, the O'Fallon area. A lot of people would be dreading such a thing, but not Maria. Will miss her greatly. I hope they continue to have competent receptionists. It's a complicated field. 

I found a recipe for persimmon fudge online yesterday and needed to get marshmallow cream and condensed milk for it. At Aldi's I realized I didn't remember how much cream I needed so I had to get 2. And I hope I have vanilla because I forgot that too. I didn't get nuts, but I'd like to make it without the walnuts first time around to see if it's worth spending nearly $6 on the nuts. 

The other day I discovered one of my favorite pair of jeans is getting threadbare in the crotch. They ALL do eventually. Since I climb ladders and am fairly active at work I don't want to take the chance on ripping a hole in the nether region of my pants, so I went to Kohl's for a new pair, hoping to find the same style. 

I must have been fooling myself. These pants are less than 1 year old and do you think they have the exact same style still? No, of course not, you silly goose. Thus began the try-on-every-pair-in-my-size-to-find-ONE-that-fits-somewhat endeavor. 

First I had to do the try-to-find-one-in-my-size search. I wanted to try on a 4, but I need "short." Were there ANY 4's in "short?" Of course not. And the so-called medium must be meant for those with legs like giraffes. My whole foot would still be concealed in those.

I finally found 3 pairs in size 6 "short." In the dressing room I discovered one pair DID NOT EVEN ZIP IN THE FRONT. Nor in the back, nor anywhere. They were "slip-on" jeans. WTF??? That is a thing now? Who in size 6 has the body for that? If I bend over, I'm flashing crack, people! And no, they were not "jeggings," they were blue jeans, they had pockets, but there weren't even belt loops. I ripped those suckers off. Bad enough I forgot to put a belt on today and had to hike my zippered jeans up every time I got out of the car.

Of course the most expensive pair were the pair which fit the best. These ripped-in-the-thigh-look jeans were $48, on sale for $39.99. I don't understand how the same manufacturer can have different styles of jeans in the same size and they fit so differently. I am partial to Lee's because they fit really well, when they fit, so I tried on a pair of 6 "short" Levis (took me a bit to find those too) but they were like a size 8 on me. I'm sticking with Lee and yes, paying $40. I have to be comfortable in my pants. This is why my closet is full of jeans which I now only wear at home because between losing 10 pounds since last winter and body fat shifting to my gut, I have so many pair which gap in the waist or are too tight in the waist, but gap in the butt or the thigh now, plus skinny jeans are really in and I have always liked that style better, so anything bootcut looks like mom-jeans to me. I might be over 50, but I'm not a mom. I don't need big-in-the-butt nor highwaisted pants. I think there's only 1 lady on a TV show that wears those now anyway. Someone should tell Kohl's that. 

Did you know high-waisted is a style again????? Especially in shorts. Whoever decided that did not live through the '80s. 

I think it's safe to say that every woman of every size (because I guarantee you the men don't have this much trouble or styles to choose from, they'd never tolerate it) now has a bitch of a time finding pants that fit. There is no standard of numbered size any more. There might as well just be small, medium, large, XL, 2X, 3X, etc. There are so many different descriptions of style that are not really a style but a "fit." The jeans I bought (for $40, the most I've EVER paid for pants that weren't for a special occasion) are "part jean, part dream" (huh?), "skinny leg," "modern series," midrise fit skinny," "close in the seat and thigh." Those are ALL terms used on the tags and inside the waist band to describe these pants!! 

When all I really wanted were jeans-that-fit....

I found some socks to get me my $10 Kohl's cash, but what the heck I'm going to spend it on next week I have no idea because I didn't like any of the plaid flannel shirt patterns they had, and the colors I did like were only in the plus sizes (nice selection for the plus sized ladies, just FYI) which was the only other thing I wanted while I was there. All the other tops they had were so thin. I believe in climate change, but it's not going to be that warm this winter. 

Last but not least, did you know that Lowe's doesn't carry colored duct tape? Even Wal-Mart carries colored duct tape, but they were out of the color I wanted. 

All-in-all it was a good trip. I managed to make it through Kohl's AND TJ Maxx's checkouts without buying some chocolate or chips or whatever else they cram the register areas full of now. I did get me a $3 bottle of pinot grigio at Aldi's though ;)

 I steam cleaned my living room carpet yesterday with my new steam cleaner. The old one (at least 10 yrs) broke earlier this year so I've put off getting a new one (and carpet cleaning) all summer. One room down, 3 to go, if I do them all, but the cat room just needs a good vacuuming unless I find puke spots under the papasan chair. 

This may not seem like a big deal to others, but it is to me. I put off things like nobody's business. I usually do my carpet steam clean once in the spring and once in the fall. So yeah, a house with 3 cats and I haven't steam cleaned my carpet since last fall. I had been spot cleaning the messes, but then the cleaner broke, so it's just dry them up with a paper towel. Those of you with pets know what I mean. 

I also cleaned my kitchen counters yesterday because there was a spier by the sink and in order to kill it, I had to take everything off, so I was like, what the hell? That's what it takes for me to clean something. I need the help of spiders. At least they're good for something.

As those of us fraught with anxiety most days tend to do, I have recently been plagued by intrusive thoughts regarding situations involving the behavior of others. 

Then I read a version of this:
 

Frankly it makes me miserable.

So when I saw the quote it immediately brought to mind the neon sign "NO VACANCY." 

For me it means "There is No Vacancy here. Aggravating thoughts - go away." I used it as a mantra last weekend, reminding myself that there is no vacancy in my head for this situation and by Monday, I felt much better not only about the situation that was plaguing me, but pretty much about everything. Preventing myself from dwelling on intrusive thoughts opened my mind to other more pleasant things and allowed me to fucking breathe.

The really crazy thing is that yesterday I had to deal with the person involved in the situation and I found myself able to make the day a pleasant experience. Perhaps whatever had been bothering them or their own anxiety had dissipated enough that they no longer felt animosity toward me also so nothing was said or done to aggravate the rift that had developed. I also realistically considered that I only needed to spend 4 hours with them, I can surely be civil during that small amount of time, something I rarely considered while I otherwise spent probably countless hours trying to process how I would deal with them when I again had no choice but to do so. 

It's difficult to remember whole quotes, so if the quote above resonates, this condensed idea might be helpful - by all means try it. 

I find the whole idea of "Think positive thoughts and you will be positive," a crock of bullshit. Anxiety just makes me respond with, "Why can't I think more positive?!" I can't automatically make my intrusive thoughts more positive, I need a signpost that plants itself and over-writes the thoughts as a whole. "No Vacancy" did that for me. It helped me dilute the anxiety that the situation had caused. Less anxiety helped me be more positive. 

This has been a bit of a summer. Now that it's meteorologically fall, I am trying to put summer '17 behind me, although I feel like it never got its deserved due.